All that's left.

Heart-wrenching, guttural, fury-inducing sadness.

All's well that ends well.

The phone rang at 2141, and I knew exactly why. My dad was calling from my grandparents house. He was at my grampa's side and it was over. I just knew it. I ran upstairs to hear my mom say, "I'm sorry." I sat down on my bed and waited for my mom. She came out and knew just by looking at me that I knew what was going on. We woke up my sister and told her. Back downstairs I went. I was still awake from the day before and my brain was just friend. Eventually, I broke down. The massive outpouring of support from friends on Facebook was what did it. My Masonic brethren were also an immense, strong column. Hey, wait a sec... I got it out of my system for the moment and then dad got home. We did a shot of Jameson, "To grampa," and then just sat and talked for a bit. He was there at the end, it was quick and painless.

I guess if you're gonna go, that's how to do it. In your own house surrounded by your family. Here was a man who lived on his own terms, but with values. Family was the most important thing in the world to him. Not just his own family, but the human family. He was alive on December 7th, 1941. He took up the mantle of his country and fought across foreign lands, against death itself to protect millions he didn't even know. His best friend and roomate from Notre Dame perished in that war. He only spoke to me about it once. That was all I needed to hear. Liberating a Nazi death camp, seeing the emaciated, weak, pathetic looking prisoners and knowing that they have been saved. He raised 3 boys and a girl, my father, uncles and aunt. We were all there yesterday. I think he knew. At least, I like to think he knew. I said my goodbyes and thank yous, and his breathing changed a bit. I wasn't sure if it was an attempt at talking or if he was crying or what, but I knew he heard me and I'm glad he did.

Snow. Cold. Inside and out.

I don't really know how to start this off, so we'll start at 2300 last night. Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep. Pager goes off, we're requested to mutual aid Schenectady City Fire for a working structure fire. Sweeeeeeeeet. Off we go, holy shit it's fully involved. Flames through the roof, visible through windows, massive smoke condition visible for miles. And there were also containers full of an explosive substance that made us think we were getting shot at. When you hear "SHOTS FIRED SHOTS FIRED," you find something large and metal and get behind it. Apparatus wheels work well. Oh ok, wasn't a shooter. I didn't really do much of anything on that scene except for carry shit, and was requested back at our station for medicals. I wasn't in the door for 10 seconds when we got toned out to a foot laceration. I didn't throw on my turnouts and was in jeans and sneakers. Zero traction + snow = me slipping and sliding all over the patient's front walk. The crew members who are all senior over me got a really good laugh out of that. I was mandated to wear my turnouts the rest of the night. This proved to be a good thing as our next calls were all some pretty long walks. Had a lovely stroke patient. 95 years old, sweet as ever, not very oriented though. Talked to her, calmed her down, got to the ER. Of course the ER was absolutely packed with 2 nurses running the whole thing. Those poor gals. Got back to the station around 0345, and the ladder truck was still in the city. We hurried up and waited, got one more medical and then back in quarters around 0430. We got back the same time as the ladder truck, helped get them squared away, hosed down, squeegeed the floor and such. Finally got home around 0500. I had literally just sat down when our home phone rang. Oh shit. Something happened to grampa. Sure enough it was my hysterical aunt. His breathing had changed and they don't know how long he has. That was around 12 hours ago. His breathing is still shallow and labored and he is sleeping most of the time. I haven't slept yet, but I did take a shower which was the best thing in the world. That got me all back on track. Ran one medical a few hours ago, am now hunkered back down at gramma's house.

Time to hurry up and wait again.

In bed right now so this will be short, yay Android. I'm mildly perturbed at a situation I'm in. Note the term "FRIEND." Make friend who is female, friend helps me study, generally end up at the bar post-emt stuff. Last Saturday after the practical, I went out drinking as usual. Later that evening, I texted female friend from class. The response was from a mutual friend, essentially saying "I know you Just wanna get into her pants. She's a carpet muncher. Don't even try blah blah." I'm gentlemanly with this kid, but I'm seething. He makes an assumption and it snowballs into influencing someones opinion of me. I know you've only been out of high school for a year dude, but this is the real world. Welcome to it. I'm just appalled he'd use a discriminating term to describe his friend, while completely alienating me from them. I have nothing to say to either of them, I'm afraid its going to just be a, "piss off."

No Christmas cards for them.

Progress!

Thursday night was the SCCC EMT test. Passed! Today was the EMT-B practical skills exam for NYS DOH. Passed!

Score.

Story Time!

I knew a kid once, felt terrible for him. He was average all around. Bright, smart, sharp, but got picked on relentlessly. Elementary school was absolutely hellish. Every single day was dreaded. He was afraid to do well, afraid to really shine, because of the jealousy children can harbor and the horrid things it makes them do. He always wanted to be a doctor, told his family so, and when they asked why? "To help people!" Was always the enthusiastic answer. This kid grew into a teenager, got into a police training program, which shaped just about every aspect of his life. It kept his nose clean, it kept his hair short, and it kept him hyper vigilant. He knew how to defend himself mentally and physically, and from that point on was untouchable. The only true thing he feared, no.. fears, is abandonment. Having the people you love exclude you or choose not to have you around is debilitating to the ego. In college, he got a job as a salesman in an electronics store. His mind was inflated, he was going to run that shit someday. Then, he also started working for a bank. Promises of wealth, moving up the ladder, and helping people in a different way. There was a nagging in the back of his mind. That nagging wondered why it was he suffered a silk noose every day, why he stressed over performance, and why he wasn't doing something he enjoyed. Sure, finances had him pinned down. He was afraid. Afraid to excel, afraid to shine, afraid to be bright and take charge of what he knew was possible. Fuck it, let's blow both jobs and see what happens. That kid is a week away from a huge test. A massive, absolutely terrifying test c/o the NYS Dept of Health. However, that kid is going to walk into Ered Nimrais and make that test his bitch.

"I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down, but it is not this day. This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West!"

You and I have some things to discuss.

First of all, we need to be on the same level. Come down from your pedestal please. Now, clean out your ears and take off those glasses made of misconceptions. Talk to me on the level, and this might actually go somewhere. You have a degree? Awesome, why aren't you using it or doing what you love? Call me a dropout, call me a loser, but why is it I am doing something I love and you are a slave to loans and things are so hard for you? I figured as much, you have a degree, I forgot that a $30,000 piece of paper makes you better than me. Apologies.

Secondly, there is literally not enough time in life. In the grand scheme of things, we're pretty insignificant. We need to slow down and stop trying to view life as a sprint. It's much more of a saunter. Do things at your own pace, because you want to. Oh, it's not the norm? Tough shit, get a helmet.

I don't need to justify myself to you or anybody. If I am happy and content, why would you even try to take that away? What does that do for you? Give you a moment's respite from staring at yourself in the mirror and wondering, "What went wrong?" That's fantastic, if you have to tear other people down because you aren't satisfied, you disgust me. In fact, if you tear other people down for no reason, you disgust and infuriate me.

You are not a celebrity, and those things called "haters" don't actually give a fuck about you. They probably dislike you because you're a douchebag, aloof of anything in the world except what YOU want or what you want to do. Life is not all about you.

I heard a speech once, from Jimmy V, all about life and what not to forget. Three paramount things are who you are, where you're from and where you're going. So, who are you? Really? Who are you in your heart? Why are you a different person in public? Is there some discrepancy that you have to make up for, or live up to? Where are you from? How does that effect you? Where are you going? Why? What are you doing to get there?

My grandmother was taken from me on Thanksgiving of this year. Her name was Catherine Radich, from Brooklyn. She had a husband for a time, and two daughters. One of those daughters is my mother. The other is my aunt, who has not been heard from in years. My grandmother was the absolute epitome of strength. It was her, my mom and my aunt. She taught my mom everything she knows about being the best mother ever. She worked for Time Life for a very, very long time until moving to Schenectady to be closer to us. Sundays were crossword puzzles and opera. I only wish I knew her better. She bought me my first Game Boy! My favorite quote ever, "A *Game Boy???* What the heck is that?" I was a lad then, now at 22 I was a pallbearer for her, bringing her to her eternal resting spot. Rest in peace, Gramma Kay, may perpertual light shine upon you. I love you. Thank you for raising the best mother ever, and thank you for epitomizing strength.